Wanking Simulator is a title developed by Polish indie developer MrCiastku and published by Ultimate Games S.A. The game features physics-based gameplay mechanics and the overall game seems to be inspired by Goat Simulator. However, it is nothing like Goat Simulator and simply fails to deliver at every level. This is our review of the Wanking Simulator in which we explode some vehicles and wank all over the town because they kicked us out for being a wanker in the first place.
Wanking Simulator is set in a place called Gay Bay and you are a wanker in Gay Bay. Your house was taken away from you because you are a wanker and you must now take it back by wanking all over the town. During the main story of the game, you must find all of those responsible for kicking you out of your home for being a wanker and must defeat them in weird battles that involve enemies spawning out of thin air and half of the city police chasing after you at the same time for wanking all over the city. You must complete the main objectives in every mission before you unlock the next mission. Apart from the main mission, you also have a bunch of other tasks that you have to complete as well such as destroying things or collecting things.
Squeezed between all of these normal quests and missions are your wanking targets as well which require you to wank all over people and their dead bodies. You can equip different powerups and cum types that give you special powers. Equip the Death Cum and your sprays will kill everyone it comes in contact with. You also have a cum type that can absorb mana from enemies. When you start wanking, the whole town turns against you as if it is a crime and calls in the cops which spawns non-stop until you are dead or spend money to remove them. As you wank over people, you continue to generate Cumshot and Mana which are used for advanced attacks and moves.
The game gives you everything which makes you feel like a superhero in the game. Apart from wanking powers, you have double jump, dash, super-speed sprint as well as a powerful punch and kick attack that can blow away enemies quickly. However, even with all this cool sounding stuff, the gameplay is extremely broken and you fail to be impressed by any of the features of the game. The missions are one shot and if you die, you start from all over again because apparently your character is extremely fragile and can’t take a few hits.
There is a health regeneration system in the game and you can take various items such as drugs and drinks to increase your vitality and damage resistance but they all cost money and money is not that easy to earn in the game. Combat is simply broken with no obvious hit points and simply requires you blindly clicking the mouse while aiming towards the enemy and praying that it hits the enemy. The weapons scattered around the map require you to ‘purchase’ them before they can be used and even with them equipped, the combat is just as broken as it is without these weapons.
Completing side activities and tasks grant you money but the powerups and items are so absurdly priced that after purchasing one, you are left empty and you have very few coins left in your pocket to opt for some usable items. All of this must be done while half of the city is chasing after you including citizens, army men, policemen and what not making the levels absolute hell to explore at peace. This is made even worse by absurd loading times of the game. It loads the entire level in one go but when you have to restart the game, you have to look at the loading screen for a pretty long time.
Wanking Simulator comes with a healthy amount of gaming modes to play. You have your main Story Mode where you exact your revenge for being a wanker. Sandbox mode allows you to jump in the game at your own terms. Want Infinite Health? You can have it. Want Infinite CumShot and Mana? You can have it. Different sliders and tabs allow you to have your perfect wanking vacation in Gay Bay. Then you have Challenges which are short and timed missions that want you to complete certain tasks within a time limit.
The arena is fighting enemy waves until you die or clear all enemy waves. In Parkour, you must jump from building to building which is located pretty far from each other in order to kill all enemies who are firing bullets at you which can travel across the screen. You can enter Bullet Time in this mode to slow down time to gain an edge. However, with such broken gameplay and glitchy mechanics, having all these game modes is useless since you won’t be playing them anyway. The only mode I found to be tolerable is the Sandbox Mode with Infinite Health.
Final Verdict:
Wanking Simulator is a weird game. I don’t know why it was made and I don’t know why I played it. Maybe the reputation of Goat Simulator made me play yet another simulation game based on physics and wacky mechanics but instead of being fun, it just ends up broken. There was not a single mechanic which I found funny in the game and everything was just messed up. There are a few laughs to had while playing the game such as sending people to the sky with some divine blast powers that use your cum and mana but it goes away quickly as the bad mechanics and poorly executed gameplay completely overshadows them. If after all this, you still want to give this game a shot, you can do at your own risk. There is a free demo of the game and it comes with a VR version as well if you want more immersion while questioning yourself. Although it might make you think of your life choices later.
Final Score: 3.0/10
